Mental
by HerRoyalMajestyTheQueen
Summary: Mal suspects the crew suffers from space dementia. One Shot.


I own nothing.

Mal HATED days like today - where being a Captain weren't for shit.

Since he woke, three hours ago, every person he had encountered on his boat had gone bat shit insane...or in River's case strangely lucid. They must have space dementia.

He wasn't scheduled to land anywhere for a few days but after his last... encounter, he thought it best to land somewhere - and soon! So, he was headed to the bridge hoping to catch Wash alone. He wanted Wash to take them down at the closest port and have medical personnel meet them at the gate.

He was going there partly to escape but also to warn Wash of the possible problem. He needed this taken care of quickly and quietly so that ruled out the ComSystem. Next stop after the bridge was the infirmary - Simon might be able to knock them out for the rest of the trip or something.

When he got to the bridge it was to see Wash with his head down, cheek smooshed against the control panel. His hands hung limply at his sides, dangling. There was no motion, no energy.

He didn't even look up as Mal came in. He looked defeated.

It had struck again.

"Wash, land us on the next livable planet and radio ahead for med-"

"Captain!" He spun around to see Simon striding quickly up the walkway - one less trip he had to make. "Have you seen River? She is scheduled for her medication at- "

"She is with Kaylee in the engine room but I wouldn't go in there without tranq guns. I nearly had my head bitten off."

Simon looked perplexed. How Simon had gotten through the day without noticing the strange behavior on board was a bafflement to Mal. There was a grumble behind him. Both he and Simon looked at Wash - Simon finally taking notice of the slumped over Pilot.

Simon knelt beside him and put his hand to his forehead to feel for a fever, "What hurts? Can you move?"

"My heart. I might die." Simon checked his pulse. Simon suddenly stopped and over to Mal. "I'm sorry, I don't understand. You don't seem to be suffering from arrhythmia. What is going on?" Simon looked up at Mal from his crouched position beside Wash.

"Everyone seems to be suffering from some sort of space dementia." Wash finally lifted his head, a look of hope starting to bring the twinkle back in his eye.

"You mean my Autumn Flower, my Juliet, my Amazon Goddess may still love me?"

Mal was clearly uncomfortable, "...Yeah?"

"Whoohoo!" he jumped from his seat in jubilation.

Mal made a hushing motion and eased the heavy metal door closed.

"Simon what do you know of space dementia? Is it curable? Can you handle it or would it be better handled in a proper hospital?"

"Space dementia? Oh Gods! Have you seen Jayne? Is he secured somewhere?"

"Last I knew Jayne was still in his bunk."

Simon looked thoughtful for a moment, "Wash?" at his nod he continued, "So physically you feel fine?" Another nod. "You were merely distraught over a lovers spat?" Nod again. "What happened?"

"Zoe just wasn't herself. She came in and all I said to her was, 'Good Morning, My Lovely.' And she burst into tears and ran out. I chased her to our quarters but she locked me out."

Simon looked dumbstruck for a moment before his face broke into a grin. "They don't have space dementia."

"Yeah they do. I walked into the engine room to talk to Kaylee about the new part she needed. When I got there she was banging around the room stomping and carrying on and she wasn't making a lick of sense. When I told her so, she threw a wrench at me! Then… Oh, Boy! Then your darling sister stepped forward raised a pair a tin snips and told me that if I didn't leave on my own steam that I'd be leaving a few body parts short… She actually said that!"

Wash and Simon just stared at Mal for a moment before Wash spoke up, "I've only seen Zoe cry a handful of times... and never because of me."

"I knew she was crying! I walked passed her on my way here and she didn't say a word just ducked back into your bunk." Mal very nearly shouted.

"Gentleman, don't worry. It seems that the women aboard the ship have all synchronized - that's all."

"Synchronised?" both the Captain and the Pilot said wanting him to continue his medical diagnosis.

"Yes, when women live and work in close quarters their cycles will often synchronize with one another."

There was silence for a moment before the married man keened to what the Doc was saying. "You mean to tell me that my wife is PMSing?" Wash looked relieved and also a little scared.

"PMS?" Mal couldn't believe that his day was made so miserable because of some hormones.

"Yes, that is what appears to be happening."

"I gotta find Zoe-" Wash took a step towards the door just as we heard a screech come from the other end of the ship.

The took off towards the ruckus and as they drew closer they heard Kaylee alternately screeching and wailing about, "Men!" and, "inconsiderate swine!"

When they rounded the corner it was to see Jayne standing in the doorway of the engine room open-mouthed. Just before they got midway down the hall he dodged a projectile. It looked as if he may have been doing this for several minutes, judging by the steadily growing pile on the wall opposite the engine room.

Jayne took his eyes from the occupants of the room toward the men for only a moment when a deadly accurate shoe hit him squarely in the temple.

He staggered back while clutching his head. "Moonbrain! I done nothin' to ya! I asked Kaylee 'bout her bad attitude and you start throw-" he dodged a bolt, "Hey!"

Then he turned to the occupants of the hall, "Doc your sister's gone all violent again." He swiveled his hips avoiding the thrown screwdriver, "River! I swear when I get my-"

River poked her head out through the doorway and glared at Jayne. He stopped dead.

She turned to her brother and said, "I would like some pain reliever for both my self and Kaylee and hot compresses… and chocolate covered pretzels." She stated her demands as if it were a hostage situation and Simon the negotiator.

The she looked at Wash, "Zoe isn't like us." His face fell. "Her wish came true, she is just scared that you don't want the same things…" Wash was very, very still for one long moment, then a brilliant smile broke over his face and he raced down the hall towards his quarters and his wife.

Mal looked to River for an answer and she simply said, "He's going to ask you to be the godfather."


End file.
